Saturday, October 30, 2004

Trust --

Be afraid of the unlived life.
- Tuck Everlasting, Natalie Babbitt

I have trust issues.

I've discovered that almost nothing ever comes to me "pure" -- everything has strings attached to it and it always leaves me tangled and resentful.

When a good thing comes my way, I brace myself for the other shoe to drop. For me, there is always a catch.

I know that this isn't the way to live life -- I can't always be suspicious of things or question their meaning -- and I'm trying my best to suspend my disbelief and just let things be.

For the most part I succeed -- I forget about having to worry so much or to think too much and I just let the flow take me wherever.

It is a wonderful feeling -- to just be. To empty yourself of all worries and thoughts and just allowing life to live itself out.

Lately, I've been forgetting to be Zen (my version of it, at least) and I've been letting everything touch me again. It's a terrible feeling, waking up in the morning and knowing that you are burdened by things yet to be --

Last night, my J and I had an activity on trust -- I asked him to fall backwards and to trust me to catch him. He also asked me to do the same.

It's an interesting exercise -- it allowed me to contemplate the limits of my faith.

I was worried that I was standing too close and that, when my J would be falling, he would bang his head on my head and we'd both end up with painful bumps.

I was worried that, when I do catch him, I wouldn't be able to support his weight.

I was worried about everything.

Then I realized that that was part of the exercise -- that it was part of what I needed to let go. Our only concession was to have the sofa behind us so that, if we fell too hard, we would be cushioned by something.

I went first. It is hard to will yourself to fall. I did this exercise before with my dad and I had no trouble closing my eyes and letting myself fall because I knew my dad would catch me. My friend, V couldn't fall. He kept stopping himself. He was being pushed back na and he would always take that step to brace himself.

I closed my eyes and let go of everything. Took one deep breath and fell backwards. In that instance of falling, I felt so free -- I could feel myself defying all the laws that tells us that falling is wrong and that we should always be steady and stable. And it was a wonderful feeling.

And then my J caught me as I fell.

And that was an even better feeling. ^_^

(And, yes, I caught him easily as well --)

I love you, hun.

* * *

This is from G's blog --


The Rules:
1. Write something about 15 different people.
2. You can NOT say who they are.
3. If someone asks you which one is about them, you can NOT tell.

1. Though you are younger than me, I still want to be like you when I grow up. It's amazing how much talent and insight can be found in one person. I am a great fan of your writing. You inspire me.

2. We've been through so much together -- been on the same side of some issues and on opposite side of others. You're still one of the people I run to for advice and the first one I tell all my good news to. It's wonderful to see that everything is going well for you -- you deserve all this happiness.

3. Dearie, please don't despair -- love comes when it needs to. Be patient and live your life for the time being.

4. When I'm around you, I get so nervous and awkward and I don't know what to say -- if only you knew how much I admire you and want to be your friend.

5. You've found yourself a gem -- this one's special. Cherish her. Treasure her. (And let her know how much you love her!)

6. I look at you and I wonder what I did to deserve such a gift. You are my everything and my always. I love you so much!

7. When we first met, I knew you were a keeper. Thank you for being such a dear friend and for sharing with me your mom's wisdom. Thank you for keeping me grounded and for being my giggle buddy.

8. You are one of the few people who has seen the real me. Thank you for accepting me as I am and for teaching me to celebrate myself. I'm glad you found him and I'm so happy for the two of you.

9. Forget regret or life is yours to miss. No other path, no other way, No Day but Today. Hang in there, girl -- this, too, shall pass!

10. I'm sorry this had to happen. I'm sad that it did -- but I couldn't think of any other way. I feel the loss of you, even though I don't know you that well. I know he misses you and that's my fault. Please know he had nothing to do with this and, given a choice, I'm sure he would have wanted you in his life. Please be patient? I'll get around and understand all this eventually. I hope that, in the near future, we could all sit down again -- like we did that night and laugh and talk over Bailey's and beer.

11. I hope you're doing okay. I saw a Blue's Clues notebook (like the one Joe uses in the show) being sold in Greenhills.

12. Hey, I need to know if what I did was right. You seem like someone who could help me understand and get through this. What do you think? I am in dire need of your wisdom.

13. What are you so afraid of?

14. Take better care of him, please. He really needs you.

15. The most beautiful person I know -- the embodiment of purity, grace, strength and will. Thank you for being there and for listening to me -- 3 hugs and kisses!

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